Saturday, November 19, 2011

the need inside of me….

I have always tried to be honest with myself at times and I know what I want and don't, but this is really making me frustrated and it really makes me think. I have always denied myself the existence of being myself, and I tell my friends that I am ok and am comfortable being who I am, BUT i am NOT… and it hurts me to be still living a double life….

My mother who will not accept me being gay, and my sister insisting that I find a girl who will accept me the way I am…[she was the one initially told me to be myself and not pretend to be someone else] . I stay in a household where I have to be there all the time and run my cafe from home. I cannot move to an apartment as the need to take care of 2 women, one old and one young. The more the reason for me to hide and retreat back into the closet by being someone else, and then the tensions and frustrations mounting up. I know from a friends experience on how he feels and although I don't  have much of communication with him, I know an understand what it is to be a gay man closeted, where in a society like the world of now which makes us move back into the closet, when just we were about to be ourselves, [read Asia in some areas, Europe in some parts, USA in some and S.America, where gay civil unions and marriages are accepted]. Feels like a curse when we go to think of it… young children as young as 13 are being bullied and many turn to commit suicide. Did we choose to be this way or ere we born this way… Only God has the answer and and at least to him I ask and find my peace and solace for now till the volcano in me erupts and becomes a spewing hot geyser… or we say a bear [bull] in a china shop…..the need inside me is to be myself……



That's not me but I guess its the closest photo I can find of a person who looks like me…





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