Monday, January 6, 2014

To contemplate…Or not ???

It’s not what you know, or believe you know, that brings meaning and happiness. It’s how you touch and relate to yourself, others, and the world that matters. Do you hide behind concepts and beliefs and policies and philosophies, however grand they may seem? Or do you live genuinely in the thick of life, however messy and confusing that might feel? Whatever your answer, it’s always revealing, and freeing, to be present to yourself just as you are.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

So another year gone…

Well I don’t know how this year is going to be bit it’s exciting and although I say not, I know for sure it will be a positive one leading to a better times ahead, and for now I want to be in a positive mindset and to feel the love that's coming from all my friends and to give love altogether…

 

2013-12-04 14.39.06   IMG_3663 (2)

2013-12-15 15.32.00     IMG_3613

 

     IMG_3671         IMG_3626

IMG_3654

IMG_3657   

2013-12-15 15.31.43

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Yes I didn't want to but I have to write about this...sorry to have been away.....

Sometimes I wonder if it was right to stop where I stopped or to continue and move on... I think the latter part of me is right... I want to move on but I also want it to be right. These last several months have really gotten to me and I hate myself at times for what I have become ... a recluse. I had a way then and I didn't choose and I have a way now but do I choose the right one, that is move on or end it here right now? In the last few weeks I have been going through a lot of stress and then there are times when I cannot handle myself and the only way out is to give in by ending this life... but come to a point, I am weak and a coward, I cannot even suppress my own life....!!!!
I am so confused at times... I have everything to live for but nothing gives me pleasure and even my hopes are fading away in the distance. I do not want to bring anyone down with me.
I work as I normally do and I worry as anyone does and I feel like what one feels but deep down inside I feel empty, empty that when I go to sleep at night, I am awake, and feel nothing for the sleep till I get tired and fade away slowly only to realize that its already morning and I don't want to wake up but have to....
This is what I feel for now.....

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Happenings…

Apparently I am in a sad mood and I am full of anger that I need a punching bag. Part of me wants to resolute and other part of me, I want to kill. I hate myself for being vulnerable and STUPID. There are times I feel I could have shot myself and be done with, how could I have been so stupid and naive not to have seen this before hand.

I contacted a [I might have called him a friend] an acquaintance of mine whom I was in touch with a few years ago, an online person whom I have never touched, felt or  or smelled, although I did hear and saw him out through the webcam. Anyway, I told him about how my life was and how it was for me these days, just as you would get in touch with an old friend… anyway I told him how and why and what's in my life and this fella asked me if I was wanting him to be my manager on the farm and if we wanted to be on another level , that is more then friendship and I said fine, anyway, he is NOT an agriculturist and don't know how he would have managed the farm and all that…but I did like the prospect of having a friend coming and living here.

Now what I didn't think is that I wasn't sure what this person thought of me, but still I went ahead with a clean heart and was happy. I don't know what this fella thought, but I this is what I feel, maybe he didn't want someone chubby/fat person like me, OR maybe he didn't want some who came with lots of guilt baggage or emotional stuff, OR  maybe he thought I was wallowing in riches and I had bags full of money but when I told him how the situation was and how I felt and what my life was like, he dropped the ball and said that he wasn't ready to come to Iringa and that I should just remain friends…. he also un friended me on Facebook, now how cruel can that be,…??? I mean surely..I can go on ranting but I think this is it…

What irks me is that we HUMANS do NOT have the decency to be honest anymore… I think I lost all the trust in HUMANS after being treated like shit. How can one do that? I mean if I was evil or bad that is fine, but just because I am a little bit on the BIG size …eh anyway… to each their own… I guess this has taught me a lesson now…BUT that’s sad honestly sad that one can take you for a ride like that, and that too in this era and time…

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

A sick friend...

Today was hectic and went to visit William who has been suffering from a rare form of cancer and he got back from south Africa a week ago. William has been sick for more then 3 years and the doctors out here said that they could not do more for him except pray hope for a miracle. William has a wife and a daughter and they run safari company called Warthog Safaris in Iringa here. It sad to know if he will survive or move on, but what ever the case, it's still a strong move. My prayers are with him and for him...