5 tips to defeat cynicism

5 tips to defeat cynicism

Some of today's thoughts

 

 

 

New Pics...

Yes I imagine....

True of these days....

Yes I didn't want to but I have to write about this...sorry to have been away.....

Sometimes I wonder if it was right to stop where I stopped or to continue and move on... I think the latter part of me is right... I want to move on but I also want it to be right. These last several months have really gotten to me and I hate myself at times for what I have become ... a recluse. I had a way then and I didn't choose and I have a way now but do I choose the right one, that is move on or end it here right now? In the last few weeks I have been going through a lot of stress and then there are times when I cannot handle myself and the only way out is to give in by ending this life... but come to a point, I am weak and a coward, I cannot even suppress my own life....!!!!
I am so confused at times... I have everything to live for but nothing gives me pleasure and even my hopes are fading away in the distance. I do not want to bring anyone down with me.
I work as I normally do and I worry as anyone does and I feel like what one feels but deep down inside I feel empty, empty that when I go to sleep at night, I am awake, and feel nothing for the sleep till I get tired and fade away slowly only to realize that its already morning and I don't want to wake up but have to....
This is what I feel for now.....

Happenings…

Apparently I am in a sad mood and I am full of anger that I need a punching bag. Part of me wants to resolute and other part of me, I want to kill. I hate myself for being vulnerable and STUPID. There are times I feel I could have shot myself and be done with, how could I have been so stupid and naive not to have seen this before hand.

I contacted a [I might have called him a friend] an acquaintance of mine whom I was in touch with a few years ago, an online person whom I have never touched, felt or  or smelled, although I did hear and saw him out through the webcam. Anyway, I told him about how my life was and how it was for me these days, just as you would get in touch with an old friend… anyway I told him how and why and what's in my life and this fella asked me if I was wanting him to be my manager on the farm and if we wanted to be on another level , that is more then friendship and I said fine, anyway, he is NOT an agriculturist and don't know how he would have managed the farm and all that…but I did like the prospect of having a friend coming and living here.

Now what I didn't think is that I wasn't sure what this person thought of me, but still I went ahead with a clean heart and was happy. I don't know what this fella thought, but I this is what I feel, maybe he didn't want someone chubby/fat person like me, OR maybe he didn't want some who came with lots of guilt baggage or emotional stuff, OR  maybe he thought I was wallowing in riches and I had bags full of money but when I told him how the situation was and how I felt and what my life was like, he dropped the ball and said that he wasn't ready to come to Iringa and that I should just remain friends…. he also un friended me on Facebook, now how cruel can that be,…??? I mean surely..I can go on ranting but I think this is it…

What irks me is that we HUMANS do NOT have the decency to be honest anymore… I think I lost all the trust in HUMANS after being treated like shit. How can one do that? I mean if I was evil or bad that is fine, but just because I am a little bit on the BIG size …eh anyway… to each their own… I guess this has taught me a lesson now…BUT that’s sad honestly sad that one can take you for a ride like that, and that too in this era and time…

A sick friend...

Today was hectic and went to visit William who has been suffering from a rare form of cancer and he got back from south Africa a week ago. William has been sick for more then 3 years and the doctors out here said that they could not do more for him except pray hope for a miracle. William has a wife and a daughter and they run safari company called Warthog Safaris in Iringa here. It sad to know if he will survive or move on, but what ever the case, it's still a strong move. My prayers are with him and for him...

Thank You

Well, to be honest, I just got an iPad from my mum and sister. I am so surprised and can't believe it that they managed to keep something like that away and me not knowing that they had ordered one? Eh am still in a shock and wondering how. Am writing on it at the moment and am still amazed at the technology. Mmmmmm what can I say?i love you both, mum and my wonderful crazy sister....xx

Thank you and I am glad  you are in my life.

Happy 2012…

To be honest, I don't think much of 2012 and have no means of enjoying it  and I know that life has got to go on but i feel that I have run my course and my strength has waned off to fight for a better life. Over the last few weeks and months, I have been worried about this daily life and the problems we all are facing nationwide, with the Tax collectors and its been horrible… many of us have been victims of extortions and bribes and simply putting it, the country does not have any money, but then it is the 3rd largest producer of gold and yet it is poor… HA!!!!

To say I am ashamed would be a minor thing… but anyway… with all this I feel like just throwing the towel and running away somewhere where even the sun don't shine…[crawling under a rock]…

Anyway… wishing you a happy new YEAR….

the need inside of me….

I have always tried to be honest with myself at times and I know what I want and don't, but this is really making me frustrated and it really makes me think. I have always denied myself the existence of being myself, and I tell my friends that I am ok and am comfortable being who I am, BUT i am NOT… and it hurts me to be still living a double life….

My mother who will not accept me being gay, and my sister insisting that I find a girl who will accept me the way I am…[she was the one initially told me to be myself and not pretend to be someone else] . I stay in a household where I have to be there all the time and run my cafe from home. I cannot move to an apartment as the need to take care of 2 women, one old and one young. The more the reason for me to hide and retreat back into the closet by being someone else, and then the tensions and frustrations mounting up. I know from a friends experience on how he feels and although I don't  have much of communication with him, I know an understand what it is to be a gay man closeted, where in a society like the world of now which makes us move back into the closet, when just we were about to be ourselves, [read Asia in some areas, Europe in some parts, USA in some and S.America, where gay civil unions and marriages are accepted]. Feels like a curse when we go to think of it… young children as young as 13 are being bullied and many turn to commit suicide. Did we choose to be this way or ere we born this way… Only God has the answer and and at least to him I ask and find my peace and solace for now till the volcano in me erupts and becomes a spewing hot geyser… or we say a bear [bull] in a china shop…..the need inside me is to be myself……

 

That's not me but I guess its the closest photo I can find of a person who looks like me…

 

 

 

 

Forgiving is very giving…

These last few weeks have been a really eye opener for me… I have been leaning towards spiritualistic way of life…. I don't mean that I am forsaking my being gay but am more into soul searching and attaining nirvana….

I have started forgiving people who I had wronged or who wronged me intentionally or unintentionally…. I find that soothing and a lot of burden feels like lifted  more from my chest. I cannot understand how we as human beings on the long run carry so much of this burden that we worry about the past and who wronged whom and we forget about the NOW and what it has to offer us…. This NOW is the only thing that will make our future and keep us from carrying these unnecessary burdens.

Please do it now and start forgiving those who have wronged you, take it this way that its a big burden and the only way you will get it off your chest and not your back is to forgive and let go…..