Happenings…

Apparently I am in a sad mood and I am full of anger that I need a punching bag. Part of me wants to resolute and other part of me, I want to kill. I hate myself for being vulnerable and STUPID. There are times I feel I could have shot myself and be done with, how could I have been so stupid and naive not to have seen this before hand.

I contacted a [I might have called him a friend] an acquaintance of mine whom I was in touch with a few years ago, an online person whom I have never touched, felt or  or smelled, although I did hear and saw him out through the webcam. Anyway, I told him about how my life was and how it was for me these days, just as you would get in touch with an old friend… anyway I told him how and why and what's in my life and this fella asked me if I was wanting him to be my manager on the farm and if we wanted to be on another level , that is more then friendship and I said fine, anyway, he is NOT an agriculturist and don't know how he would have managed the farm and all that…but I did like the prospect of having a friend coming and living here.

Now what I didn't think is that I wasn't sure what this person thought of me, but still I went ahead with a clean heart and was happy. I don't know what this fella thought, but I this is what I feel, maybe he didn't want someone chubby/fat person like me, OR maybe he didn't want some who came with lots of guilt baggage or emotional stuff, OR  maybe he thought I was wallowing in riches and I had bags full of money but when I told him how the situation was and how I felt and what my life was like, he dropped the ball and said that he wasn't ready to come to Iringa and that I should just remain friends…. he also un friended me on Facebook, now how cruel can that be,…??? I mean surely..I can go on ranting but I think this is it…

What irks me is that we HUMANS do NOT have the decency to be honest anymore… I think I lost all the trust in HUMANS after being treated like shit. How can one do that? I mean if I was evil or bad that is fine, but just because I am a little bit on the BIG size …eh anyway… to each their own… I guess this has taught me a lesson now…BUT that’s sad honestly sad that one can take you for a ride like that, and that too in this era and time…